Skip to main content

Sick of Myself: The Uncomfortable Start of Real Change


 


We all have an inner world going on inside of us.


At the core of this world is a frequency that sets the stage for our entire reality.


This is a pretty bold statement, because it is simplifying our entire human experience down to one thing. Which I truly believe it is. But life is not so simple and being a human being feels like one of the most complex experiences in all the multiverses, and the last thing that can be simplified down to one thing. 


Simplifying it certainly feels like a slap in the face to every ounce of personal growth I think that I have achieved in this lifetime. Yet, I find this new simplified understanding absolutely enthralling, and it has opened up another world of personal understanding. And so far, from my experience, that is something to be celebrated and not overlooked.


My current state feels as such… I feel so sick of myself. Sick of my life. Sick of the wall I am hitting. And sick of feeling shit about all the things I am not getting right in life. 


My pattern is usually as follows… I feel sick of myself and then change happens. It happens because I am finally willing to let go of what I think I know and move to new uncharted territory. Whenever this happens and the paradigms start shifting I feel so much shame. Shame because I was such a dumbass for not seeing the new things that I am seeing now. So in other words, part of my process is feeling ashamed of myself, and feeling life a fool for not knowing better. 


Needless to say, it is very uncomfortable. Looking at and acknowledging the inner twat, while trying to be gracious to the fast asleep parts of myself to learn from the experiences that formed what I don’t want anymore, and aren’t serving me anymore, to hopefully move to being the person I need to be for myself to continue growing, and stop feeling like a monumental failure and fuckup. That’s pretty fucking complicated to navigate. And THIS is my current understanding of what accessing the core of my inner world looks and feels like. 


Nothing simple about it. 


So I circle back…The core in the inner world = my experience of reality. 


My core has been one of low to no self worth, and very large amounts of shame. Being as small and as invisible as possible. Incapable, and undeserving. 


I would like to have a core that has worth and confidence. A core that vibrates deserving and healthy entitlement to succeed in my life and get shit right in my life.


My low worth and shame core has been around since I was born, it has been all I have known, it has been running on autopilot, and has run the show on my reality. Accessing this is really hard, it’s so subtle that I didn’t even know how to at first. I have just lived with it and navigated it like it was just the way I am for so long. I didn’t give myself a gap to climb into that low worth and shame hole with myself, cos I had hidden the entrance to protect myself. I was able to deal with surface shame, but not core shame before. 


But now I have found a way in, and I am going to these very sad, heavy, and exhausting feelings, because they deserve to be seen and acknowledged. It’s a process, and I am willing to give myself all the time I need to be seen by myself for the first time in this life. 


Will it change my core? I don’t know yet, cos I am still busy walking through this fire. So I can’t tell you what's on the other side. I can tell you what I am busy learning, and that is that I create safety through seeing myself. That safety feels good. I am more productive, and want to switch off and escape less. I feel softer towards myself, and I feel more like a grown up than I ever have before. And again, the truest and most humbling thing of all…


The more I learn the less I know. 


I feel like my life is an experiment of pushing the boundaries of self discovery. Just when I think that I have figured something out, life has a way of humbling me and knocking me off that pedestal. And that’s where I am right now…flying off that pedestal, let's see where I land. 


Photo credit: Steven Kamenar

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

How to Deal with Unconscious People Without Losing Your Peace

Today, I want to talk about a question I get asked all the time: How do I deal with unconscious people? You know the ones. The people who just don’t get it . The ones who move through life in a way that feels… illogical, frustrating, or downright dumbass. (And let’s be honest, the world is full of dumbassery right now—war, abuse, homelessness, starvation. The human condition is steeped in it.) I’ve been an intuitive energy healer for nine years now, and I work directly with the soul. What I’ve come to see, again and again, is this: We each have a different story, but the patterns ? They’re all playing out in just a few predictable ways—fear, insecurity, avoidance, control, shame. And these patterns? They’re not even original. They’re programmed. Installed. Looped. Recycled. And unless we get conscious of them, we’ll keep playing the same movie with different characters over and over again. So when someone’s behaviour triggers you—when someone’s unconsciousness is loud and in your ...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Soul’s Journey, Survival, and the Spaces In Between

  I got this interesting newsletter today. It talked about the three stages of soul development—something I’ve lived through over and over. It's a continual process that happens inside of us: The buildup —life becomes unbearable in some way. You feel stuck, stagnant. Like you've hit a wall and can’t go any further from where you are. The life-altering moment —this could be an illness, a deep meditation, a near-death experience, teacher plants, a dream, or some unexpected crack in reality that shows you the other side . The integration —how you make sense of what you’ve seen and begin embodying it in this physical world. I can absolutely relate to this. But it’s a long-ass process. Sometimes it feels too long. Weeks pass like days. Months disappear before I even notice. And suddenly, we’re halfway through the year, and I’m asking myself: Where did the time go? Still, when I zoom out, I can see how much has changed—especially over the last nine years. This awakening...
Post a Comment
Read more

Is Your Life a Pre-Decided Blueprint? The Paradox of Free Will & Soul Contracts

Is your life a pre-decided blueprint?   In other words—has it already been decided, before you’re even born, that you’ve chosen every experience? Your family, your struggles, your "soul contracts," the things you think you have to do, or the things you want to do?   Or… is this all just a nurtured lie of the matrix?   Here’s the paradox: Are people choosing to wake up before they’re born? Or are some choosing to stay asleep?   I think it’s both.   If we have free will, it doesn’t mean we’re always making conscious choices. Most people operate on autopilot—making decisions from unconscious conditioning, societal programming, or manipulated influences. That’s not free will.   But for those awakening—whether in sudden epiphanies or gradual realignments—every moment of clarity reinforces the blueprint we did choose for ourselves.   I spent the first 39 years of my life deep in the matrix, desperately searching for my way ...
Post a Comment
Read more