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Sick of Myself: The Uncomfortable Start of Real Change



We all have an inner world going on inside of us.


At the core of this world is a frequency that sets the stage for our entire reality.


This is a pretty bold statement, because it is simplifying our entire human experience down to one thing. Which I truly believe it is. But life is not so simple and being a human being feels like one of the most complex experiences in all the multiverses, and the last thing that can be simplified down to one thing. 


Simplifying it certainly feels like a slap in the face to every ounce of personal growth I think that I have achieved in this lifetime. Yet, I find this new simplified understanding absolutely enthralling, and it has opened up another world of personal understanding. And so far, from my experience, that is something to be celebrated and not overlooked.


My current state feels as such… I feel so sick of myself. Sick of my life. Sick of the wall I am hitting. And sick of feeling shit about all the things I am not getting right in life. 


My pattern is usually as follows… I feel sick of myself and then change happens. It happens because I am finally willing to let go of what I think I know and move to new uncharted territory. Whenever this happens and the paradigms start shifting I feel so much shame. Shame because I was such a dumbass for not seeing the new things that I am seeing now. So in other words, part of my process is feeling ashamed of myself, and feeling life a fool for not knowing better. 


Needless to say, it is very uncomfortable. Looking at and acknowledging the inner twat, while trying to be gracious to the fast asleep parts of myself to learn from the experiences that formed what I don’t want anymore, and aren’t serving me anymore, to hopefully move to being the person I need to be for myself to continue growing, and stop feeling like a monumental failure and fuckup. That’s pretty fucking complicated to navigate. And THIS is my current understanding of what accessing the core of my inner world looks and feels like. 


Nothing simple about it. 


So I circle back…The core in the inner world = my experience of reality. 


My core has been one of low to no self worth, and very large amounts of shame. Being as small and as invisible as possible. Incapable, and undeserving. 


I would like to have a core that has worth and confidence. A core that vibrates deserving and healthy entitlement to succeed in my life and get shit right in my life.


My low worth and shame core has been around since I was born, it has been all I have known, it has been running on autopilot, and has run the show on my reality. Accessing this is really hard, it’s so subtle that I didn’t even know how to at first. I have just lived with it and navigated it like it was just the way I am for so long. I didn’t give myself a gap to climb into that low worth and shame hole with myself, cos I had hidden the entrance to protect myself. I was able to deal with surface shame, but not core shame before. 


But now I have found a way in, and I am going to these very sad, heavy, and exhausting feelings, because they deserve to be seen and acknowledged. It’s a process, and I am willing to give myself all the time I need to be seen by myself for the first time in this life. 


Will it change my core? I don’t know yet, cos I am still busy walking through this fire. So I can’t tell you what's on the other side. I can tell you what I am busy learning, and that is that I create safety through seeing myself. That safety feels good. I am more productive, and want to switch off and escape less. I feel softer towards myself, and I feel more like a grown up than I ever have before. And again, the truest and most humbling thing of all…


The more I learn the less I know. 


I feel like my life is an experiment of pushing the boundaries of self discovery. Just when I think that I have figured something out, life has a way of humbling me and knocking me off that pedestal. And that’s where I am right now…flying off that pedestal, let's see where I land. 


Photo credit: Steven Kamenar


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